The Four Week March

People generally use the word "alien" to speak of a human outside of his or her normal geographical location, or when referring to some strange, unknown creature from another planet. Who would have known that it was possible to exemplify both nuances of meaning at once!  We are now one month in and FINALLY my children and I have evicted the awful, unpleasant and rude extra-terrestrials that took over our normally communicative, sweet and fun selves.   One month.  30 days to accept our new life, stop pushing against it, settle in.

These alien attacks came in droves or waves, at first constant, later intermittent, but always frequent. It wasn't until recently that I noticed that I always lagged behind the boys in my recovery from these attacks. Although I have lived in Spain before and wasn't experiencing true culture shock, I was dealing with a "new" family - they looked and sounded like my children, but sure didn't act like them. I tried and tried and tried so so hard to be impervious to their whining and bickering, to remain relaxed and pleasant, to allow my mood to beckon them rather than theirs to decide mine. But I acknowledge that my alien remained until I was absolutely confident that theirs were gone. This single-parent-thing is toughest in these moments; I never felt like I could let my guard down. I have learned that I am not yet at a place where I can remain in complete control of my behavior without allowing theirs to influence me. There were times when I spent entire meals and even days with friends without finishing a single adult conversation, because I spent the whole time correcting my children for outlandish (acknowledgement of subjectivity) behavior I did not know they were capable of.  Hours of such behavior. With no respite. Unless they were stuck in front of a screen, I did not enjoy a moment of peace. I apologized to my friends repeatedly, explained that we aren't normally this unpleasant; I felt icky and contaminated and cancerous. In response, I groped. We had family meetings, made up star charts, discussed allowance charts with lists to track fines from offenses, made for quiet time and fun outings, discussed how normal it was to act out when we feel out of our element or out of control. But still they railed, taking their frustrations out on each other, on themselves, on me.  I occasionally threw out for subpar the training and multiple parenting classes I have under my belt and, with pleasure, crossed lines.  Although I never arrived at reacting physically to my children, they saw a lurking, unpleasant side.  On a few occasions I was snarky and sarcastic, yelled at them, compared them to other children their age.  I once told one child he was acting like a jerk and the other that I wanted to slap him.  I saw them throw fits and felt no mercy.  Simply, I had none of my regular tools and was at a loss; after all, what do you take away when a child has already lost all of his privileges and you have neighbors' comfort to consider?  Of course, later in quiet moments, I felt for them.  I knew how difficult this had to be, that this was a normal part of the process. I hugged them and kissed them and told them how proud I was of their efforts. I marveled at their achievements, reminded them. I hugged them again. I tried to explain that I understood, but had to do my job.

So, we talked and talked and talked. We talked about the choices we have in our lives, what we want, how we can create our day, our role in relationships with those around us, our mood. We talked about how we react to stress and challenge, how I respond to stress and challenge, how this is all a choice. And I acknowledged that I still have a lot to learn.  Just because as adults we can remove ourselves from the stimulation or environment that stresses us does not mean we have truly learned how to deal with it.  Evasion works wonderfully when one is capable of doing so.  But when it is all-encompassing all we have is ourselves, and in these moments we truly learn what we are capable of.  From now on, I am going to flatten myself against a wall, close my eyes, breathe and remain until I can create a NEW, improved moment.

Thankfully, I can see we have passed a hurdle.  The boys are making friends, are invited to birthday parties, can enjoy a meal with a bunch of adults, relax and have fun.  They know what is expected of them at school. They know that they ought to keep both hands above the table and both feet under their chair at mealtimes. They know that when inside they can have fun making silly faces and dancing, but need to save screaming and jumping for the park.  They can answer questions, and even ask some, instead of avoiding contact out of embarrassment. They have learned when they can move away from my side in public. And the anticipation of Daddy's upcoming visit is like this rainy day on the first day of Spring - the knowledge of what is to come breeds excitement and good cheer. I am so inspired and amazed and impressed by their progress.  They have made the jump from small-town boys to big city kids and they know it. They can navigate the public transportation systems with ease, speak of planetariums and museums. They no longer complain about cigarette smoke, dog poop or traffic noise. They have invented new games, new opportunities for fun that were invisible one month ago. (Kicking a plastic cup on the street is now a wonderful way to spend the afternoon!)  Yesterday my eldest requested "taking the metro to Gran Vía to watch people, chat and have a Fanta." Most exciting of all, they are speaking Spanish.  They may make mistakes (Tu tengo mi coche. - You (I) have my car,) but people can understand them, and it is a whole new world out there.  I can only imagine where they will be in three months' time.


What we all have learned thus far is beyond words.  I have no doubt that we are better people for our experiences here, that our lives have changed for the better.  The boys have grown up so much in some ways, and regained a sweet youthfulness in others.  Although the first month of our trip was extremely challenging, I can feel that there has been a shift.  We have begun to simply live our lives, instead of struggling to adapt. I like to think that we climbed from its base an underwater volcano, and have now reached the beach of the tropical island. The crusade is over. It is all exploration from here on out.

An Interview With A Six-Year-Old

Whew.  Getting information out of Hugo is impossible.  He much prefers playing something, ANYTHING, over being prodded for information. Although this "interview" does not even begin to touch upon the thousands of observations he has shared with me over the last month, it does provide a glimpse of how moldable and non-judgemental we are when we are six - how moving to an ENTIRELY different country with absolutely NOTHING in common with our native culture can amount to, well, not much.  I feel like I am constantly reminded of the practical wisdom in what we might label "childhood ignorance."

1. What is the thing that has most surprised you?

Nothing. 

2. What is the biggest difference between your life in Spain and your life at home?

That we have to stick with you. 

3. Are there any differences in the food?

They eat lots of sugar. 

3. Tell me about school.

It is taller. It is littler. That they write differently; they write in cursive. 

4. Tell me about kids here. 

They don’t have the same names. 

5. What is it like not having a car?

That you have to walk everywhere or take the metro if you’re going far or the bus if you’re not going far or the underline train if you’re going super far. (light rail from nearby train station to major train station.) 

6. Have you gone anywhere interesting? 

No. Not really. 

Hugo trying to comfort Marina

7. What is your life like here?

It is a lot harder because we always have to listen to you and know where you are and stay with you. 

8. If you could pick one thing to tell your friends at home, what would it be? 

There is a lot more pollution. 

9. Is there anything else you want to add to this? 

No. 

10.  Do you feel like you're learning Spanish? 

Yes. I don’t know. Well, I don’t even have to understand what the teacher says.  I just see what other people get out, so I get it out. And if other people are doing two pages and then they get to choose, I do 2 pages so I can choose what I want to do like, I get to play. Most of the days I understand my teacher. I really understand my teacher. And I understand my friends because they barely ever talk to me because they are too distracted with playing.  They only say like, “Me lo pongo” and if they say that well, I was the goalie, I just know that they are saying that they want to switch. I just know what they are saying. 

On a picnic with friends in La Sierra de Madrid

11. Do you feel proud of yourself? 

Yes. 

12. Are you ready to go back to Missoula? 

Yes, because I am missing my buddies and Daddy. But I would like to stay here for a little bit more because I would like to learn a little bit more Spanish.  And that's all. And I don’t want to hear what I said. 

Ode to a Kiss

Yesterday my six year old was lying down on the stone wall in front of the school doors, sunning himself while we waited for his big brother to exit.  A woman who was also waiting came over to chat, and as the majority of Spanish women do, she immediately initiated a conversation with Hugo, asking him whatever she could to get him to speak.  It has been fascinating watching my children in these social situations, and noting their adaptations.

I have mentioned before that, in general, Spaniards are very family and child-focused, and it is discernible the moment you take your seat in the airplane leaving the US for Spain. Older people seek out the children around them, engage them in some way, make them feel noticed and appreciated.  Parents with young children encourage their kids to make friends, ask their names, how old they are, share stories. Children engage as well, seek out eye contact, are confident and skilled in their social advances.

People are also very physically affectionate. It is perfectly acceptable to tickle, pat, kiss and show affection to children, even between strangers.  It is always respectful and playful, and people trust the intentions of one other in these moments.   Perhaps our North American melting-pot culture has encouraged the notable physical distance with which we are comfortable -it is possible that neighbors from different cultures erred on the side of caution so as not to offend and distance became the norm. Perhaps we have gotten more distant as we have paid more attention to the few stories of abuse instead of the many of kindness. There could be a thousand different hypotheses and I doubt that anyone really knows.  But I think it would be worth studying if there are social implications that result from this perceived limited physical affection.  (Any James Prescott scholars out there with access to more modern studies?)

In Spain, the benefits of such attention and social guidance show from early on through the teen years and into adulthood. Three year olds feel comfortable conversing with adults, including strangers in a new environment, and know how to immediately connect with their peers.  A teenager looking for company will seek out  and be immediately accepted by a group of unknown peers.  Adults easily engage with strangers on the street, at the park, in the cafe. Everyone is welcome, as a new person may bring something interesting to the table.  Imagine being a teenager from out of town, walking to the local plaza alone, seeing another group of teenagers hanging out and laughing together, and feeling like you can walk up to them, sit down and join them.  That is Spain.

The planning of cities and towns reflects the prevalence and cultural importance of these types of interactions: a main square is for people to gather and be together in public with one another, instead of sequestering off in small groups to a private place; a park or plaza will have a cafe with outdoor seating adjacent to the play area even in the most humble of towns. People seek each other out and through this constant contact tend to be accepting, polite and socially well-developed in general.

My children show occasional signs of slight anxiety in response to this attention.  Hugo is a very affectionate child with his family and absolutely loves all of the hugging and kissing here, but is still more comfortable being the bearer rather than the receiver in situations with strangers. When the lady at school was sweetly and gently patting and tickling him, he didn't know how to respond.  I explained to her that, in the US we don't really touch other peoples' children (outside of family and good friends, perhaps) and she was bewildered and saddened.  She expressed concerns for their ability to thrive without a lot of love and support from their society as a whole, and I think she has a point. Do we compensate in other ways?  Do we really know the importance of affection on human development?

My nine year old has shared with me that, although he freezes and doesn't know how to respond, he likes the attention (he admits that the kissing is still tough for him to demonstrate.) He feels like people want him there, like he is a part of things. He especially enjoys the physical attention bestowed upon him by his peers, and I truly believe that this is how they have shown him that he is a part of their social group, as he cannot yet speak more than a handful of phrases.   Although he has jumped into a situation where (outside of his mother and brother) literally NOTHING is as it was at home - a new culture with different social rules, a new language, a new school, a new home with different toys, a new diet, new friends, new schedule and all without his father being there as well - he is happy to be having this experience and does not want yet to go home.  He knows and can feel that he is welcomed here, that in general people have his back.

Of course, every culture has its pros and its cons, and I am not so naive to think that there isn't a balance no matter where you live. I am confident, however, that to be a kid in Spain is pretty fantastic. Every child is respected, is guaranteed health care and a quality, free education.  Food is fresh, healthy and less expensive. On weekends the streets are FULL of entertainment geared toward kids: bubbles, puppet shows, music.  Multi-generational families fill the streets. If my kids have been able to palpably notice the child-friendly environment in which they live, my guess is that this society benefits from millions of children feeling the same.

El cumple de Gorka & its gift to us all

This Sunday the boys and I were picked up by our friend Gorka, a Madrileño that we had met in the States.  Gorka came to Montana to study Nursing; his brother Jon had come some years before him and had the good fortune of marrying Becky, an amazing woman and dear friend from my past.  This connection to Spain and to Becky was fantastic all-around, and only got better when, on a holiday break in Spain, Gorka met his lovely future wife, Helena.  He returned to Madrid to be with her, and if you meet her it is obvious why.

Let me point out that the picture is of a weird guy;
Gorka is not the weird guy. 

Gorka's lovely and interesting family lives about forty-five minutes north of Madrid in a quiet pueblo full of twisted streets and iron-gated stucco walls. We were invited to celebrate his birthday with family and friends and Gorka was kind enough to pick us up at noon. (With gas prices near $7 per gallon, this gesture is to be appreciated.) The boys loved seeing Gorka again, and enjoyed his presence, the space and freedom of his family's private yard and the comfort of their two sweet dogs - it was the most similar experience to home that they had known here thus far.

A weekend meal with friends in Spain has no comparison in our culture, however. Perhaps a Sunday barbeque over the Fourth of July might compete, but this experience in Spain is a typical weekend activity, minus the fireworks, excessive drinking and parade.  Because it was a beautiful, sunny 65º day, we ate outside beside the lavender, under the olive tree.  Three tables were pulled together, dressed in linen, set with dinnerware for 19 people and prepared for a literal feast.



We enjoyed an incredible meal fit for royalty and in ample quantities: fresh bread, homemade Spanish tortilla with onion, spinach salad with sauteed-mushrooms and homemade mustard dressing, octopus portions marinated in garlic and olive oil, tomato salad, Russian vegetable salad with carrots, peas, beans, hard-boiled egg, roasted red peppers and homemade mayonnaise, brick-oven roasted chicken and lamb for the meat-eaters, followed by espresso, orange cake, tiramisu and various liqueurs. The entire meal lasted a little under three hours, with no other goal but to celebrate Gorka, his people and their communion.

After doing dishes together, followed by a few games of ping-pong, some television for those who need a little quiet time or Skyping with loved ones in the States, we again gathered around a table to chat and discuss the week ahead. At around 8:30 PM, we headed home, feeling full with the day and our having taken advantage of it.  Although the novelty of these all-day meals together has worn off, my appreciation for them has not.  I know that every time I leave Spain, I leave thinking that I am going to make a bigger commitment in my American life to make these times happen. And yet, somehow either I or they don't.

I suppose that when we go camping with friends or get together with family over the holidays we can recall times such as these.  But, in general, Americans are more independent, more solitary.  I want my children to know this life, where friends and family spend leisurely afternoons under one roof, discussing their lives and their community, politics and frustrations, their joys and mindless banter. Where people create rather than purchase experiences, where the gift is in the moment together.  I have long declared that, as soon as our house project is done, we'll have monthly dance nights, bonfires and neighborhood potlucks. We'll make sure to plan open weekly dinners with friends at our house, where we start early enough that kids can get in a full day of play. I'm going to try. Again.  And just maybe this time I can make it happen. In the meantime, I am going to savor every moment while I'm here.  ¡FELICIDADES, GORKA! Y gracias.

Gorka, Helena, Becky & Jon
Photo courtesy of Rebecca Hofstad

An Interview With A 9 Year Old

Today Atticus is home sick from school and his brother is off on an overnight excursion to a farm in Torrelaguna http://www.ceieljarama.com/  We are excited to learn about his experiences! In the meantime, I am going to take advantage of Atticus's sedentary state to interview him.

1. What is the thing that has most surprised you?

That there is subways and trains and busses.

2. What is the biggest difference between your life in Spain and your life at home?

That we have a small apartment, that we have to take an elevator to get to it and it is really small. It is smaller than small. Smaller than a house.

3. Are there any differences in the food?

Food is cheaper and better. It just tastes better. They use a fork to eat french fries. And there is this really yummy snack that doesn't look good at all - it is bread with chocolate and cheese - and it looks so gross but it is sooo good.  I could eat it every day. It is like they just grow it.  There is tortilla española and that is so good and always hanging up on the walls a bunch of pig legs and this one pig leg it was 125 Euros a kilo.  And if you have one it is a very good honor and they have this tool to get the meat off of the leg and all you have left is the bone and you hang it with the hooves so you can tell what kind of animal it is.
There is this one place and they sell churros con chocolate and right when you're buying one he is making some so they are so fresh and so yummy, yummy, yummy in my tummy. You usually eat breakfast at the same time except for you only have a couple of cookies but then you have lunch at like 2 and then you have dinner at 10.  During lunch you eat the most. During dinner it is a little more than breakfast.


3. Tell me about school.

We go to school at 9, then we don't have recess we go out for 30 minutes at 11:30 and I play soccer. The playground isn't a playground it is a court. It is a basketball court with two basketball hoops and right next to it is a cement soccer court and all of it is surrounded by houses. There are 3 games of soccer being played with only 2 soccer field goals and two games of kickball going on in that same place so it is so hard to play and once we played girls versus boys and it was 1-91. They only had one because we let them get one by the goalie not being the goalie. Every second someone yelled "goooooooooooool" for us. And that was only in 30 minutes, folks, 30 minutes. And there are no basketballs.
At 12:30 we go out of the school so you can go home and your mom makes lunch for you and you eat. Then you go back at 2:30 and you go home at 4:30.
My classroom is really small -like our apartment- and we don't have lockers just in the classroom we have little hooks on the walls so we can hang up our backpack. And we have so many grades in our school, so we have three year olds up to sixth grade. We have one first grade, two second grades, and the rest have one class per grade, too.  And there are some people who have been working at our school for forty years. And there are some people at our school who are eighty years old. I don't know who, that's what Celia said.
PE is my favorite class and when we have it we either talk about the rules if it is a new game we haven't done yet and then we go out to the court to practice or we do it in the gym which is so small.  It's like half the size of our classroom. Or we have it on the court. And I especially like Friday gym days because right when we go to school we just put our backpack down and go right out to the court! You have to wear a uniform. (chandal)
My second favorite class is art which we have on Thursday and Friday. It's totally free, you can go get something to do or we have these art books which you can do and every art time I finish either one or two things.
I also have science and I have a different teacher for that. And I also have math - that's the same basically- except for that we can write in our books because we bought our books.  You have to buy your books, clothes and uniforms. (Parent note: my total for both kids for all of this was around 400 Euros.) We don't have to pay for the teachers' teaching.  We have music and have a different teacher for that but he comes into our classroom and starts singing a song with his guitar and we have to put our heads down and then we have to start doing work after about 30 minutes of that and we also have religion class and that is when we have this religion book and they talk about stuff and I usually fall asleep in that because I can't understand them.
And we have this language class and it's like fixing up your Spanish and how to write stuff except I go to a special class I get for a month and I usually have it twice a day and I usually have it during Language and I first go with this guy named Diego in the morning and then for afternoon I have this girl named Celia and she teaches third grade and Diego teaches music. They are really nice except for you can tell how teachers are if they are a boy or a girl because with Diego I get in, he tells me what I have to do, I do it and he writes a "bien" because I always get a bien and then he gives me the next page and with Celia sometimes she gives me a tour where we walk around the school and she tells me how to say things in Spanish and one time we went to the lunch room and a lunch lady gave me a cookie and our school is connected to a church so I went in and I saw these cool glass things and they were pictures and we went outside and it looked really boring except when we were in the church. They are stained glass windows.
My teacher Marisa is really nice and it's so funny how the teachers here can be talking all nice to me and then without even looking around the classroom another kid is doing somehting he's not supposed to and I don't know how she knows but she starts talking to that kid really mean and then turns to me and starts talking to me really nice and if you go to the US they would be talking to me really nice and then when something does something really bad they would talk to everyone in a bad temper but here they can switch from nice to angry.
I don't get why they don't have Spanish classes in the US because they should because they have English in different parts of the world like in the deserts or in Spain or in Italy they all learn English and they learn their language it is so cool except for I really think that in the USA they should have Spanish class.
On the first day of school, which was a Monday, I was really lucky because they were all nice and then on Friday there was this huge party and it was all day basically and it was a huge party with people showing off their cool costumes and you got to have hot chocolate and these cookie things. It was so fun. The party wasn't because we were coming, they have it every year and it just happened to be during the first week of school for us. It was called fiesta de Carnaval.

4. Tell me about kids here. 

Oh yeah. They are really nice. There are no bullies. I mean let's say there is a three year old, and a sixth grader who is like 13, and the three year old doesn't know what to do because the other 3 year olds won't let him play soccer then the sixth grader would play soccer with him - they don't care about how old you are they just play with everyone.  Like, if someone gets a goal while playing soccer and you are all sweaty you still give them a hug. And if you're friends with people you always give them hugs and put your arm around their shoulder and if you meet someone you don't know you give them a fake kiss by touching your cheeks together and doing the kissing sound. That's kind of weird. But I like the hugging part.

Doing homework on the bus.

5. What is it like not having a car?

I like it because if we don't have a car we actually save a lot more money because we got these passes so we can go on the metro and bus and that stuff except for every month we have to buy a ticket which is worth it because you don't have to keep buying tickets every time you get on the metro. So you put the card in this thing (reader) and you take it back out and put it back in the slot on your pass. Gas here costs like 7 Euros a gallon except they use litros. And there is a train that our passes work for.

6. Have you gone anywhere interesting? 

We were going to go to Salamanca for the weekend so we left school early and we immediately dropped our backpacks off and went to the metro.  And then we went on a train that stays under the ground until the end, got off the train and got on a big train to Salamanca fifteen minutes early to leave. The train was cool because to go from car to car we had to wave our hand at this thing so the door would slide open and then you walk through and we did that to go to the bathroom except you push a button to make the bathroom door slide open and then you push a button to shut it and then lock it and the bathroom is in the shape of a circle. And then while we were at Salamanca we stayed at our friends' house and there were two teenagers-it was the best because teenagers always have video games and watch TV so we got to do that and moms here they do ANYTHING for their kids and there are people who are like 40 years old and still live with their mom and so there mom got us stuff and it was like having a servant, basically. It was awesome.  The mom was named Maria and she was kind, she was so nice.  And one day we went to this park and I loved it, it was awesome. There was this zip-line thing and I played with a bunch of teenagers. And then it went by so fast because then after awhile we had to leave again and we went in a car to the bus station and the bus station didn't have security you just got on and showed the guy your ticket and then we left. It was a big bus except there weren't any bathrooms which really stunk but it was so much quicker like an hour and fifteen minutes quicker but I still liked the train better because it had bathrooms and plug-ins. But the bus had Internet. It didn't work, though.
We saw Laura and they gave us this huge things of snacks and this big bag of candy when we left; they were so nice!



7.  Do you want to talk about going to the Prado Museum?

We went to a museum yesterday. We got there at like 5 and we had until 8 and we walked around and saw these pictures which were so cool except for there was this one super, super, super creepy one.  There was this guy, Saturn, and he was eating his son's head.   The artist was Goya and he also painted rich people.   (He wants me to link to some images of his work: Goya)

8. Is there anything else you want to add to this? 

I like it here. In this city of Madrid there are over 6 million people and that is just the city and then if you go to my state at home there aren't even a million people and this is JUST ONE CITY! It is amazing. And that's it, folks, good-bye folks, and make sure you tell your friends.  Ha-ha. 

A Salamanca hemos de ir...

Last weekend the boys and I took a rapid-fire trip to Salamanca.  I knew that trying to cram years' worth of experiences into 48 hours would be a planning challenge, so I let go of all expectations and allowed the trip to simply happen.  Prior to committing to living in Madrid, I agonized over our destination choice.  Although I greatly appreciated the simple fact that we were fortunate enough to have choices, it wasn't until I decided to take the path that showed itself to us that I was able to let go of the stress surrounding the decision. I do have confidence that Madrid is the right choice for us, even if some moments during this recent trip to Salamanca I wondered. Seeing my wonderful friends, the city's beautiful architecture, the quaint apartment where we would have lived - smack in the heart of the city in a stone building from the 18th century, filled with hand-wrought iron and stories of generations that have come before me - I questioned my decision again.  Lately I have been trying to follow my instincts more (see my recent submission to Mamalode on that topic here: http://www.mamalode.com/blog/2011/12/23/because-of/ ,) and this was a true test.  But Madrid has an instinctual pull that doesn't pen out on paper, and I find comfort in the constancy of that feeling. Choosing a beloved place from my past would have made sense, and as much as I love Salamanca, my friends and my life there, a new experience beckons.  So I will return to savor, but with no looking back. 

 Our dear friends' apartment building in Salamanca, kindly offered and declined.

This building has been in her family since 1808.

As soon as I was able to let go of the Salamanca -V- Madrid war that was in my head, I was reminded of how lucky I was to have known this beautiful city and her people.  We were greeted at the train station by a posse of friends, who planned a simple weekend for us, full of amazing food and quality time with each other.   Hand ball, meals together, trips to the park - in Spain everything is of the highest quality, from the food to the company to the time together. Their society is arranged for families and friends to spend time together, not separate activities for specific age groups.  The local bars and homes are packed full of families eating together, watching the kids play. Three generations are always mingling in every activity, and kids actually know how to interact with children of other age groups.  Teenagers spend time with adults. Adults spend time with children. Time together is what people do. It is lovely and inclusive and cohesive and I leave thinking about ways I can incorporate this into my daily life and culture in the States. 

We watched an exciting game of balón mano.

Their new friend Roberto.

Chillin' in the park.

Photo courtesy of Maria Marcos

Someone was a little worn out...

Hugo by the Iglesia San Marcos in Salamanca.

Because we were there for such a short period of time, we did not have a chance to see all of our friends and look forward to returning soon. Legend has it that if you can spot the frog on the facade of a certain University of Salamanca building, you will continue to return to Salamanca. I can locate that rana in an instant.

No looking back.